A Reader's Question

By Dr. Doris Jeanette

Here is a question from a reader, ÒMy husband likes pornography but canÕt keep an erection with me. Could he be desensitized by too much self-gratification? Or is it just me?Ó

You can hear the blame that she feels spread all the way across the page and jump out at you. She thinks that it is her fault that he has trouble keeping an erection with her. This is what I wrote to her: ÒHis inability to achieve an erection is definitely not your problem. He is the one who has a problem with his own arousal. The way I would approach the situation is to stop blaming either one of you. When we eliminate faultfinding, we can then help both of you assume responsibility for claiming your own strengths as individuals.

Pornography can become an addiction for many men. What happens is that they use it so often that they become dependent on it for a quick arousal response. Subsequently, they have great difficulty becoming aroused by a real, alive, adult person.

Women can do the same thing if they frequently use a vibrator to have a quick orgasm. A vibrator is reliable and trustworthy, but women can become dependent on it. Subsequently, they too have difficulty becoming aroused in the company of a real, alive, adult person.

So it sounds as if your husband might be addicted to porn. Consequently, his ability to receive pleasure is greatly impaired. This is not a pleasant situation. Pornographic images are not particularly uplifting and inspiring to either the person who is looking at them or making them.

In general, quick and easy ways to achieve orgasms interferes with our ability to give and receive love. This is the mechanic sex that I frequently talk about, see past columns for more information about the difference between MS and sex that is connected to love.

If we need pornography, a vibrator or a pair of womenÕs panties to have an orgasm, this means that our sexual response is extremely limited. It does not mean that we are bad or wrong. But it does mean that we are missing out on all the heavenly pleasures that Good Healthy Sex has to offer.

My advice has always been to Never Judge ourselves for anything that turns us on. Whatever turns us on is a blessing. Let us focus on expanding our ability to become aroused in more situations in a variety of different places and with a wider range of input. The more things that turn us on, the more alive we are.

Erotic images and fantasies can be wonderful additions to our sex life. It is invigorating to use vibrators or sexy images to prime our pump. This means we are using outside stimuli to get our sexual energy started. And it is also fun to use objects and outrageous fantasies on occasions to keep us excited and fresh. But we do not want to be dependent on anything for our sexual response.

We want our personal, sexual arousal to be healthy and strong. This means that we achieve a steady stream of energy inside of us, which flows without any outside help. This vital, sexual energy is the source of our health, happiness and creativity. If it is sluggish, we are sluggish. If it is sick, we are sick.

Traditional researchers and alternative physicians are finally beginning to acknowledge this basic truth. The old Welcomat and Delaware Country newspaper editors used to make fun of My Erotic Living ªand Erotic Fulfillment ª classes back in the early 1980Õs. Even recently when I was networking with a local, alternative medicine physician, I said that our sexuality was the source of our health and he said, ÒI donÕt think so.Ó

Well for those who have been waiting for a scientific statement, I quote from Dr. Susan Lark, ÒStudies have confirmed that an active sex life is associated with longer life, better physical health, and a fuller sense of personal worth, potential, and well being.Ó Our sexual energy has always been the source of our creative energy. This essential energy does not have anything to do with intercourse or sexual activity with another person. This energy is about being strong and alive.

This means that in order to solve your husbandÕs erecticle dysfunction, he needs to become more aware of what is happening to his body, his emotions and his energy flow. It sounds like he needs to learn to relax and receive pleasure. As he practices relaxing, he can become more aware of what is making him anxious when he is close and sexual with you.

I do not know his pattern, but I could guess that his impotency might be an emotional issue. When men have unresolved emotional issues or unexpressed emotions, they frequently show up in their sexual response. The astonishing rate of prostrate cancer in men is a screaming sign that this is a big issue in modern day men.

This means that your husband may not be expressing his feelings and this inhibition is causing him to be weak. When we do not express our feelings, the body always exhibits a physical problem. With men, an effective way for the emotional self to get his attention is to weaken the flow of blood in the penis. Quite clever, really.

The popularity of drugs that force the blood to flow through the penis reveals how weak sexual arousal is in many men. I would never recommend a drug to treat erectile dysfunction I would never recommend a drug to treat erectile dysfunction unless there was a spinal cord injury or some other permanent physical cause. Forcing blood to flow through the penis can mask many potentially long-term physical, emotional and mental problems.

Whatever is causing a man to lose his sexual arousal is a serious ÒRed Flag.Ó He needs to address the problem, at its source, if he wants to be strong. Any sexual problem that a man experiences has to do with finding his own authentic strength as a man. Without a healthy sexual response, we do not have access to our power, energy flow or self-confidence. So I strongly suggest solving the problem, instead of drugging it.

I suggest that the two of you get help before it gets worse. He needs to work on his part of the problem and explore that is going on with his sexual arousal. The second part of the problem could be in the relationship. This does not mean it is your fault, but the energy dynamics between the two of you may need some improvement. We all need improvement, especially in trusting others. The two of you might find that both of you have emotional blocks that are stopping the healthy flow of love and sex energy between you. There might be an interesting energetic dynamic between the two of you that is blocking out love. If so, this can be cleared up and resolved when both of you become aware of what is happening energetically. All you have to do is decide to change the unhealthy pattern into a healthy one.

He needs to see a professional who can help him access his healthy, sexual energy. And the two of you need to discover the energy dynamics that might be blocking the flow of loving energy between you. Love and Sex can be connected. And it is mighty tasty when we succeed at letting our delicious energy flow freely with our beloved. It is well worth all the time, energy and effort that it takes to get Present.

Doris Jeanette, licensed psychologist, originator of a new model for human change, teaches us how to use our emotional and spiritual strengths. Instead of giving Òa treatment,Ó she increases our awareness of energy dynamics. She has presented and published her innovative work internationally. A Natural Process for Opening the Heart, three audiocassette tapes, highly recommended by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, comfort and intimately guide us toward emotional health and vitality. Free Teleseminars and free newsletter at www.drjeanette.com. Call 215-732-6197