Body & Soul Responses

from Dr. Jeanette, licensed psychologist, alternative approach

practical, psychological, holistic help for emotional, mental, physical, spiritual issues

Question

Why do women aspire to romance above all else? How can I regain interest in hobbies, etc. rather than my relationship? Susie

Answer

 You are so right. As women, we are more interested in our relationships than we are in anything else. To tell you the truth, I think this is healthier than NOT putting your energy into your relationships. Most men and a few women need to learn to value their relationship to others more than how much money they make or success they achieve. This new millennium will see more and more of this feminine quality surfacing.

Unfortunately, as women, we have been conditioned to take care of others instead of ourselves. This is when the problem occurs. Placing relationships first is a healthy thing for the future of our species, but being conditioned to sacrifice ourselves for another person is not healthy. There is a difference between real love and "taking care" of others.

Frequently mothers and fathers teach their children to "take care" of them rather than encouraging the children to focus on their own well being. This is what creates codependency and an unhealthy attachment to someone. The old joke about the Jewish Mother laying guilt trips on their children to take care of them is frequently true for all of us. For more on guilt read my past answer.

We have been classically conditioned to feel guilt if we focus on our own hobbies and interests. This is why you are having such a hard time staying in touch with yourself when you are in relationship with someone you love. You have been taught that your purpose in life is to take care of others, rather than being taught to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of your partner first, you feel guilt. You may not be conscious of this at this moment, but I assure you it is in your body because of your behavior.

To regain your interests and your own sense of self is extremely important. Otherwise you will be unhappy and so will your partner. Pretty soon there will be no romance left. This problem in relationships is probably the greatest thing to overcome in order to have a healthy one. The world at large is conditioned to think that rescuing others is a loving thing to do. It is not. It is a cop out.

You can tell you are "taking care" of others when you feel responsible for someone else's welfare and happiness, rather than trusting that they themselves had their own inner strength. It is sometimes called the "Messiah Complex," meaning you are rescuing others.

When we are "taking care" of others, we are acting superior to them, thinking that they are not strong enough or smart enough to take care of themselves. This creates weak, insecure children rather than strong, healthy ones. Usually when someone spends their time and energy "taking care" of others, they are hiding their own fears, needs and shortcomings by focusing on others.

You need to feel your own fears and insecurities. You are hiding your own fears of rejection when you focus on "the romance," rather than your own interests. In relationships there are many, many fears. Feel your own inadequacies and dependency needs. Feel your fear that if you take care of yourself you will lose the relationship. This is a biggy!

A healthy mother, like a healthy person, is someone who takes care of herself and gives her children the example of a fulfilled human being. Then her children can see how wonderful it is to be fulfilled as a human being and enjoy life rather than feeling guilty because they are not doing what they "should" be doing.

This healthy mother trusts that her children can take care of themselves and does everything she can to empower them. She trusts each child's own inner strength. She does not tie her children to her in unhealthy ways with any sense of obligation. She sets them free. She does not sacrifice herself for her children and lay guilt trips on them. She sets an example of a person who takes care of herself and lives life the way she wants to, so that then her children are free to do the same.

You can break the ties of responsibly you feel for another person by facing your own fears and by being responsible for yourself. You are the one responsible for fulfilling yourself. Romance will never do it. Another's love will never do it. Then you will feel your own strength and can share yourself with someone in a whole and healthy way.

Unfortunately you will also have to face your own judgments and the resulting guilt. You will probably think you are being selfish, narcissistic and mean when you stop taking care of others. These judgments will come into your conscious mind and you will "feel" bad--like you are doing something "wrong." The trick is to breathe through and live through these judgments about yourself until you can feel the truth underneath these accusations. These judgments have been used for centuries to control us and keep us constrained.

This is a new model for relationships. Very few people have a healthy relationship, as one person is usually rescuing the other, and it is destined to be miserable for both.

We are creating new ways of relating. It is extremely exciting as we pass into the next millennium because so many new forms are coming into place. I just love it. We will develop new relationships that are healthy and empowering, which will be a lot more fun and bring us much deeper satisfaction.

Relationships need to be measured by how much we as an individual are growing in them. May you grow and grow and grow. Let me know how this strikes you and how you succeed in getting your own self back.

We are the harbingers of a new way of relating. We can relax and let ourselves be, just as we are, as we enter the new millennium. We will exchange real loving energy with one another without judgment and guilt stopping the flow. We are the trailblazers.

In love, with rose peach tones, for 2000,

Doris Jeanette