Emotional
Health, Emotional Wellness in Relationships
Overcoming
Defensive Responses, Letting go of Conflict
Emotional
Buttons, Relationship Question
I
received a letter recently from a woman who has started to listen
to my audio cassette tapes. She is taking care of her Mom who is
recovering from surgery, "What I am looking for is help
with that releasing step I have heard about so many times.
For years I've said--yes--I know all this intellectually--yet 2
days of dealing with Mom and I'm feelings all the old familiar body
contractions. bringing up major stuff for me again and pushing all
those well worn buttons."
Holistic
Psychology Answer
Yes,
body contractions let us know our fear and feelings are frozen inside
us. The direct experience of our real feelings is not an intellectual
happening it is a real physical event.
You
cannot think your way into feeling or releasing. Letting go of control
is what you have to do if you want to give up your defensiveness.
If you want your emotional buttons to heal you have to let go of
control.
This
is where most people back away and don't want to go any further.
People confuse letting go of control with being out of control so
they do not trust the natural process of feeling their real feelings.
People
think feelings are out of control. Feelings are not out of control.
The opposite is true. Feelings are grounding and help us feel more
self esteem. If you want more help in trusting the natural process
and leaning the difference between your real feelings and your out
of control thoughts, study, listen to and read, "Opening
the Heart."
It
is true, however that most people are out of control with their
behaviors because they are in mental states of panic, hostility
and rage. These out of control states are acting out behaviors caused
by thoughts, not feelings. Out of control thoughts can lead to inappropriate
behaviors.
Mental states
are defensive and your thoughts are stuck. You repeat the same
ideas over and over again in your head with no resolution. Feelings
move.
This
same woman writes," after listening to your tape last night--maybe
I "got" that what I avoid doing is letting myself really feel
the fear or whatever pain/emotion."
Yes, avoiding
your feelings and emotions is the problem. You have to let go
in order to give up your part of any problem in any relationship.
A feeling
state is a highly conscious state. You are aware of more, not
less.
People who
do the most damage in the world are not feeling their feelings.
Instead they are weak, frightened, people who are reacting. They
are not strong, vibrant and healthy.
An
exercise: Sit down. Breathe and breathe and breathe.
Be with your
Mother. Sit beside her and breathe. Breath into any area of your
body that hurts. Feel your well-worn buttons. They will lead to
your real feelings.
Feel your
reaction to your mother. Do you withdraw? Attack? Feel the energy
that is in your body.
Experience
what is actually there when you experience discomfort. Allow yourself
to feel bad. Now you are getting somewhere.
You
want to feel what you have been avoiding for all these years. You
will feel bad about yourself. This is what your defensive energy
has been trying to keep away from you and what you must feel to
free up your energy. It is that simple. You cannot break out of
any conflict in a relationship without feeling bad.
You
are tied up in a conflict with your mother. It is composed of sticky
energy. This stagnate energy is created by using judgment and guilt
to block your real feelings.
Conflicts
are simple:
The
controlled part tries to control: "you should blab, blab..."
The
good self tries to please and get approval by doing it.
The
bad self resists and will not do it.
You
lose either way, if you do it you feel resentful and bad.
If
you don't, you feel guilty and bad.
Lose,
Lose.
These
are those well-worn buttons. There is no way to win. Or feel satisfied.
Everyone loses.
So
experience your unique conflict and all of the characters in your
psyche. What you want to do is literally release this conflict inside
of you because this relationship dynamic is what is keep you from
being effective.
To
step away from the conflict all you have to do is own all the aspects
of your own psyche: your controller, your resister and your pleaser.
You
want to stop being defensive and reactive with others. Your power
comes naturally to you as soon as you stop blaming yourself or anyone
else! Then you can do what you want to with your power.
Your
real feelings are underneath the conflict. Go into a deeper body
state and feel how your Mother hurts your feelings. Feel it and
let it vibrate through your body and soul. Let yourself cry, cry,
cry. Let your whole body cry, not just your eyes. Keep breathing.
Keep breathing in, and on each exhale let the feelings out, out,
out. This is my motto, "Breathe and Feel."
It really works!
You
will separate from your mother as you feel your authentic emotional
self and let her/him lead the way. Separating from our parents means
separating from their control and out of control defensive energy.
Doing this will allow much more genuine intimacy to occur between
you and your Mother. It works wonders.
As
your defensive energy transforms into emotionally strong self-loving
energy your mother's defensive energy will no longer control you
and make you react. Without your defenses in the way, you will be
able to feel so much more love for your Mother.
As
you love yourself, you will feel so much better you will even be
able to help your Mother feel better about herself. We have to lead
the way emotionally to a more loving open and powerful way of being
alive.
To learn more about how to give up conflict and be powerful and
effective in relationships study, read and listen to "Opening
the Heart", 3 self help audio tapes, CDs or e book which
guides you into emotional wellness.
Emotional
health, emotional wellness, holistic psychology by a licensed psychologist.
Giving up defensive energy, defensiveness and letting go. Separating
from family conflicts and relationship conflicts. Dealing with difficult
people. |
