Licensed Philadelphia-based psychologist with a holistic psychology based on learning theory research and health energy flow in the body and emotions  Dr. Jeanette is a licensed psychologist with a holistic psychology based on learning theory research and healthy energy flow in the body and emotions; a Philadelphia psychologist since 1975 when she worked with Joe Wolpe, MD at Temple Medical School.
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Alternative Therapy Answers to Your Questions by Holistic Psychologist, Dr. Doris Jeanette


Letting Go, Relaxing, Feeling Your Emotions Question:

I received this email from Mary, "While listening to your 'Opening the Heart' audio, I said 'Yes, I know all this intellectually' --yet 2 days of being home with Mom and I'm feeling all the old familiar body contractions. Being with her is bringing up major stuff for me again and she is pushing all those well worn buttons."

Letting Go, Relaxing, Feeling Your Emotions Answer

You are correct, the direct experience of your real feelings and emotions is not an intellectual event. Letting go is an in-the-body, physical event.

You cannot think your way into letting go, relaxing or surrendering.

Letting go of control is what you need to do if you want to give up your defensiveness and body contractions.

When you let go of control, you let go of your defensive energy.

The act of letting go allows you the opportunity to heal your emotional wounds and reactive buttons.

You must let go of your defensive energy in order to open your heart and solar plexus.

This is where many people back away and do not go any further.  Yet, to go forward means you transform your energy permanently.

To go forward means you enter the surrender stage of transformation.

Most people are too scared to let go, relax and surrender.

People are scared because they confuse letting go of control with being out of control. This is incorrect.

When you let go of control you will not be out of control.

People think feelings and emotions are out of control. Feelings are not out of control. Feelings give you data about reality.

Feelings help you take care of yourself, keep you safe and help you become emotionally secure.

Learn the difference between authentic feelings and out of control thoughts by listening to the emotional health guide, "Opening the Heart." The first 30 minutes teaches you the difference in controlled, out of control and flowing energy.

Mary continued," After listening to your audio last night-- I "got" that what I avoid doing is letting myself really feel the fear or whatever pain/emotion I have."

Yes, Mary, you got it! You avoid your real hurt and pain. You are conditioned to avoid your feelings by tightening up your body.

When you have tension in your body, you are inhibiting your emotions. Tension keeps you from feeling emotions, energy and reality.

You tighten up your body to keep from feeling your emotions. 

You are tied up in a psychological energy knot with your mother. Your energy is intertwined. Unfortunately, the energy of your mother is now inside of you.

This means you have an inner mother in your psyche and she is just like your real mother.

Therefore, you need to forget about outside factors.

To heal your emotional buttons and give up your defensiveness, all you need to do is let go of your defensive energy.

So, look inward to solve all relationship problems.

Relationship Conflicts and Inner Conflicts are the Same

What you fight about outside of you, with your mother or any other person, is the same thing that you fight about inside of you.

You can apply this example to your partner, friend, boss or inner mother.

Your inner mother, says:

"You should do so and so."

The part of you that is the good self tries to please and get approval by doing what you are told to do.

Or the part of you that is the bad self resists and will not do what you are told to do.

Result: You lose either way.

If you do what you are told, you feel resentful and bad.

If you don't do what you are told, you feel guilty and bad.


There is no way for you or your mother or your partner to win in a relationship conflict.

Everyone loses.

When you let go of control, you let go of these conflicts and enter a win-win state of consciousness.

Here is an Exercise to Help You Let go of Control:

Sit down.

Take three deep breaths. Relax your body. Keep breathing.

Letting go is relaxing. When you relax your body, this allows energy to move through you.

(If you not know how to relax your body and breathe, take the Overcome Anxiety Naturally online course. The "Opening the Heart" audio is included in this discounted package.)

Breathe into any area of your body that hurts.

Feel your well-worn, sore emotional buttons. These buttons tell you about your emotional feelings. Try to stay with yourself and your body.

Feel your reaction to your mother. Feel reality, do not think.

Put your hand on any part of your body that hurts. Breathe into that part of your body.

"Breathe and Feel," is my motto and mantra.

I say it repeatedly in the "Opening the Heart" audio because this is the best way to guide you into your feelings and emotions.

If you focus to your breath and feel on each exhalation, you will ...let go.

Say to yourself. "Breathe and Feel."

Feel your emotions when you exhale. Let your emotional energy vibrate through your body.

Let your whole body cry, not just your eyes. When you cry with your whole body, you know you have let go of control.

You have not let go of control until you relax your whole body.

You will immediately feel better after a good cry. You feel relief. This is because you are freer and lighter. You have dropped a heavy load.

If you keep feeling your real emotions, you will heal your emotional wounds. Then your relationship with your mother or partner will change for the better. You will relate to her or him as an equal.

This will also help you with any new relationship so that your loving relationships in the future will be healthier and more satisfying.

You will create win-win interactions with yourself and with others.

Yahoo! You have let go of your defensive energy.

Resources to Help You Let Go, Relax and Surrender:

1. "Overcome Anxiety Naturally," online course. This online course teaches you how to breathe, relax, get in your body. "Overcome Anxiety Naturally" online course, is a a discounted package which includes the 3 hours of "Opening the Heart" audio, 10 written lessons and two more hours of audio. cost, 149.97.   Read more and order.

2.  "Opening the Heart" audio and ebook. This comforting, calming, emotional health guide takes you into the energy in your heart. It is a guide to letting go of control. Learn to find, accept and love your emotions and your emotional self.  Audio or Ebook, Cost, 19.97-97.00. Read more and order.

For more free psychology articles visit the free holistic psychology library.

copyright, 2000, revised, 2011, Doris Jeanette

Relationship advice, feelings, emotions, alternative therapy, holistic psychology by a licensed psychologist. Giving up defensive energy, defensiveness and letting go. Separating from family conflicts and relationship conflicts. Dealing with difficult people, emotional health, loving relationships.