Sex & Love
by Dr. Doris Jeanette
The man on the phone asks, "Can you do anything to help me with my problem?" Silence, I wait for him to continue. "I ejaculate too quick." "Of course," I assure him, "it is the easiest sexual problem to improve and solve." At least it used to be in the 70's when Masters and Johnson reported the statistics that 98% of the men with PE were able to improve with a simple squeeze technique.
Today, I am not so sure it is true anymore. In the last three years I have talked on the phone to over a hundred men, at length with this problem. About twenty of them have come in for one session. When I get to the squeeze technique, they start shaking their heads as if there is no way they could ever do it and no way it would ever help. I never got that response before.
Some of them don't even let me finish explaining the technique to them. It is as if they feel totally helpless to do anything to change their situation. It is as if they feel absolutely out of control. They seem to believe their penis has a mind of its own, which of course it does, and that they can't tame it, which of course they can.
When I first started to notice men responding this way, I was perplexed. Now I have come to think of PE as one of the many symptoms of high anxiety in men. They live with fierce anxiety everyday while trying to act like they have it all together. It is general knowledge that men do not typically seek therapy, self-improvements classes or emotional retreats the way women do. Women seek help en mass motivated to do so when things don't feel good in their relationships. Conversely men are motivated when something goes awry with their sexuality. Then they pick up the phone and call for help. But only a few ever come in for a session.
A man called me and told me he was leaving his house to come to his appointment and would be there on time. He never showed up. His intention was to come in and talk to me, but his fear was so great he didn't make it. A TV personality called, "Aren't I being brave to call you and talk to you about this?" I have talked with him three times. He has yet to come in. Courage is what is required for all of us to face ourselves and see what is really going on inside of us. What does it mean when our sexuality is out of control? What does it mean when a man's penis does what it wants to do instead of what he wants it to do?
My sample is small, but my feeling is that many men are in deep emotional pain. The result is, their basic sexual responses are not working properly. Premature ejaculation is not the only consequence. They could be addicted to sex, impotent or unable to ejaculate. It seems to me that male sexuality is askew because they have not developed their physical and emotional strengths. It is not that they don't have what it takes. Rather, they have not listened to the internal clues of discomfort, which would normally send them rushing en mass to evolve.
Our sexist society has hurt men much more than women. Boys have been denied their essential emotional feelings. This has crippled them so that they have no place to go to cry and feel insecure. Men have no place to go to learn to trust and let go of control. It is not uncommon for half of the women in my groups to be with male partners who ejaculate too fast and don't sexually satisfy them. Women still fake orgasms and don't have the courage to confront the issue. They accept it like it was normal. It is not normal.
As is true with all sexual responses, we cannot force or make something happen. A man cannot "will" an erection. Nor can he "will" himself into a relaxed, aroused state that he and his partner can enjoy for a long time. Sex is the ultimate and it requires the ultimate letting go. Unfortunately, the longer unsatisfying sexual behaviors go on, the harder they are to change. Once the habit is conditioned, we become afraid of the situation before it actually happens. Consequently this anticipatory anxiety has to be deconditioned in addition to the original anxiety. So the longer one puts off doing something about it, the more difficult it is to unlearn the anxiety response.
Some of you know about Tantric Sex, one of the many disciplines in Yoga. This is when men stay erect for hours and do not ejaculate. This is not only possible; it is desirable for pleasure and vitality. Any technique that helps men slow down and savor sex is valuable. I, on the other hand, being a futurist, prefer to put more consciousness into my matter (flesh). Then allow the energy of love and light to naturally flow into ecstasy. I want to flow with, rather than control, the outcome.
As I explained in the October issue, we need to be relaxed and open to have Divine Sex. This means we want to be vulnerable with our partners so that our bodies can receive and give energy. When we slow everything down we feel what is really there. Two people intertwined in loving energy in the flesh. Two spirits opening up and touching each other.
Men with PE need to:
- Relax body & slow down mind.
- Breathe & feel emotions.
- Be open & vulnerable with partner.
- Focus on partner, not on penis.
- Focus on entire body, not sex organs.
Trust me, PE can be resolved. Anxiety can be acknowledged, faced and tamed. Men do have what it takes to face the message their body is sending them. They can let go of their own judgments and feel secure and confident while being naked with another person. It may require a little truth facing and compassion, but it is well worth the effort.
Dr. Jeanette, Director of the Center for the New Psychology, trained as a Sex Therapist in 1976 at the Behavior Therapy Unit at Temple. She has developed her own innovative system. www.drjeanette.com, drjeanette@drjeanette.com, 215-732-6197.
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