From a holistic psychology point
My boyfriend hates my mother even though I have tried to convince him that she doesn't hate him. How do I deal with the depression surrounding this type of situation? Words of anger have been exchanged already. I should add that he is 38 and I am 28.
This is a great question and presents a real conflict.
First let me say, everyone, even your boyfriend, is just like
our mother and father.
From the moment of birth (even in the womb) we absorb, like amoeba's
This means whatever was around us is now inside of us. Any anxiety,
depression and judgment that was or is in your environment is
highly contagious and is now inside of you.
For example, your mother's anxiety is now in the lining of your
stomach and in your brain cells. (Thank goodness, we also absorb
the good stuff!!)
This means, whatever aspects of your mother your boyfriend hates,
he will also hate them in you. It is a given you are like your
mother, as he is like his mother. None of us can escape physical
reality, emotional reality or learning.
Your boyfriend obviously has a lot of judgments and a great deal
of trouble loving others as they are. This not an usual problem
for humans. We all have the judgment plague!
Since no one is perfect I always suggest you work on improving
your relationship, rather than leaving the relationship. You will
probably get in the same hot water with someone else if you do
not improve your self esteem right now.
Relationships that help
us grow are the healthiest ones of all. Your love relationship
with him is certainly going to help you grow!
So your goal is to be yourself, love yourself and your
mother. Do not let his judgment depress you.
Once your power is present in the relationship you may find his
impression of your mother changes. Probably everything will change
for the better.
Your depression needs to be dealt with directly; see my answer
Depression is heavy energy, which is the natural result of blocking
your feelings and not facing your own self judgments.
The angry words you have spoken to each other are probably defensive
words. This means you have not gotten down to the bottom of what
is really going on. Most arguments are superficial surface issues
rather than the bottom line issues.
Your defensive image has been relating to his defensive image.
You want to get past both of your defenses to your real feelings.
If you do not know what your real feelings are study and work
the Heart. " The ebook or audio show you how to find
your authentic feelings and emotions.
Perhaps you have a history of being rejected? Do you feel hurt
or scared? These would be the feelings I would suspect to be in
your body, psyche and memory. Hurt or fear would be the feelings
you need to express to your boyfriend.
What are your boyfriend's feelings underneath his judgments?
Probably fear of getting too close or dependent on you would be
You need to listen to your boyfriend's judgments if he can express
them to you without attacking you. They might help you be more
sensitive to yourself. In other words if you are seeing your mother
through rose colored glasses, his judgments can help you see your
mother more clearly as a human being with her own faults, like
Relationships help you deal with painful emotional issues you
have been avoiding. Perhaps you have denied and repressed your
own feelings. The things your boyfriend doesn't like about your
mother may be things that have hurt you but you are currently
unconscious of them--thus your depression.
When you feel your real hurt you will no longer have depressed
energy. Depression is a numbness, not a real feeling. Depression
is a lack of feeling.
I am not encouraging judgments, but they are a reality you cannot
avoid. You must face and deal with them in order to improve your
I encourage you to get rid of your self judgments as fast as
you can. And to stand up and tame the monsters in other people.
Never avoid anything in a love relationship. When you face judgments
in a love relationship you become stronger. If you avoid judgment,
you become weaker and depressed
If you stop avoiding the conflict and bring it out in the open,
you will be in a position of strength in the relationship.
If your boy friend really loves you, stay. On the other hand
leave if he does not continue to improve his ability to love you
and your mother.
When you know what you feel and accept yourself, you will be
happy and healthy no matter what!
This self confident place is where you want to be in all love
Develop your self esteem like your life depends on it. Because
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