Sex & Love

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D.

I could always count on a Valentine Card from my Mother no matter what was going on in my other relationships. Then last year she received a card from me and forgot to send me one. Love. Where can I find it? How can I get it? Love. Feels so good. But soon it hurts soooo much, I vow never to love again. But I do.

I've been searching all my life for real love. A love that does not betray. A love that does not disappear when I don't do what they want me to do. A love that I can trust with all my heart and soul. Am I finding it? Yep, I'm making some headway.

Love is energy. After years of personal and professional searching for this seemingly illusive phenomena I have noticed some things that can help us accept love. Because the truth is, we are literally blocking the energy of love out of our hearts, bodies and energy fields.

My mother loved me dearly. I knew it; I could feel it. Then she betrayed me. I knew it; I could feel it. So at six, I became withdrawn and closed. Naturally, I repeated this pattern with lovers over and over again until I finally become aware of the pattern. If we want to give and receive real love, we have to resolve our relationships, in terms of energy, with our parents. I know, I didn't like it either, but they are the ones who gave us an Old, Unhealthy, Model for Relating.

It is:

• totally unrealistic, based on "happily ever after." Right.
• composed of two people looking outside themselves for love and fulfillment. Energetically, this is a "drag and a pull."
• composed of two people who relate unequally to each other. One is not as good as the other.
• held together by caretaking. I do for you so you do for me. Creates resentment, regrets and guilt. Yuck.

Last February at the Ethical Society on Rittenhouse Square, I proposed a new, hopefully improved, model that is:

• realistic, based on helping both people grow and improve.
• composed of two people responsible for their own fulfillment and security. Energetically this produces strength.
• composed of two people who relate equally to each other. Energy cannot pass from one person to another unless the channels are open and equal. Just like a fax machine.
• held together by real love. It encourages each person to fully express him or herself. Our purpose in life can then be realized.

In order to give up our unhealthy ways of relating we need to separate from our parents. Then we can create new ways of relating. This starts with how we relate to ourselves. We can't really expect someone else to love us if we aren't willing to love ourselves. Why would they want to?

• These are the Blocks that Stop Love
• 1-Anxiety (conditioned, learned responses)
• 2-Fears (real, denied, exaggerated)
• 3-Judgments
• 4-Guilt
• 5-Inhibition of Healthy Emotional Energy Flow
• 6-Need to Stay in Control

So I began to resolve my issues with Mother by loving the parts of myself that she had not been able to love. My body and sexuality were in serious need of affection. Don't waste time blaming your parents for not being more loving. Start loving yourself and love yourself, no matter what. If you don't know what parts you have rejected, just notice all the parts of others that you reject. This is a giant clue.

One of the major problems in relationships is that people confuse caretaking with love. Caretaking is a form of control, not love. It is relating to someone in an unequal way, like patting him or her on the head. Nice doggy. There is no exchange of energy; instead there are obligations and guilt. We are "feeling sorry" for others, instead of loving them.

We have all been trained to take care of others, especially women. We have been conditioned to believe that we are not lovable unless we do take care of others. We are scared of losing our "identity" as a "kind" and "helpful" person. When in fact, we are relating down to others, keeping them dependent on us and giving them the message they are not strong enough to deal with life.

Caretakers are not grounded or strong. The natural consequence of giving away energy is irritation, frustration and resentment. If you spend time with another person and feel drained, you are taking care of them instead of taking care of yourself. A genuine exchange of loving energy energizes and excites. Intimacy is the ultimate high.

Genuine Intimacy is literally a physical exchange of emotional energies between two people. You can feel it, see it, and sense it. Real love is not a diet of sugar or salt. It is the truth and nothing but the truth. When we connect as humans, the result is love, ecstasy and union.

When we take care of ourselves, we feel fulfilled and energy flows. We are open, warm, soft and mushy. This is the necessary condition for love to come in and go out. If we add sex to this energy exchange, we are truly "making love", but don't hang around waiting for another's sexual love. Profound love can be had from strangers. All we need to do is be ourselves.

For example I was walking happily down South Street in Philadelphia, swinging my arms with my groceries from the Italian market on top of my head. I had learned to do this by watching the women on the beach in Jamaica carry big ice chests on their head. As I approached an African-American woman, her face broke into a giant smile. Her whole body and soul poured love upon me. I felt her energy penetrate every cell of my body. Wow, I still get goose bumps as I remember it. This moment of receiving pure love is permanently inside me. A little of the real stuff goes a long way.

So freely dispense your genuine loving, valentine energy as you rendezvous though life. Let your love out and let love in. Send a valentine card to someone you love.

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. was trained as a Sex Therapist. Dr. Jeanette is currently the Director of the Center for the New Psychology. Contact her at drjeanette@aol.com or 215-732-6197.