You're
feeling all juicy and "lovely" and relaxed. So you move closer to your partner
and touch her with love and desire in your hands. She stiffens up and moves away
toward some activity. It could be attending to the new baby or cleaning up the
dishes or looking out the window. Or perhaps he starts talking about something
else, anything to distract. You say to yourself OK, so it's not a good time and
accept it like a mature adult. But after this happens over and over again, it
seems that your partner does not ever feel juicy and "lovely" and relaxed. Vince,
a new father, who wrote me about this problem with his wife, is not alone. There
seems to be an epidemic occurring in all types of relationships where people suffer
in silence. They don't want to admit even to their best friends that their partner
is not sexual. So what is going on? I'll tell you my findings. Anxiety is the
problem. Your partner is probably anxious. The symptoms are the inability to be
still and relax. She is always talking or doing something. Reading, watching television
or working on the computer does not count as relaxing. To relax you need
to be: - Breathing fully and deeply into your lungs
- Aware of
your physical body
- Allowing your muscles to hang off your bones as you
give into gravity
- Letting go of your controlling thoughts
The
events since September 11 have triggered off people's internal terror that has
been stored in the unconscious. Terror is not new to the human race. We carry
it around everyday in our body and nervous systems. It is from all the previous
horrors our ancestors have experienced or we have directly experienced. It
is no psychological surprise to discover that terror is exactly the thing that
makes us want to control others or ourselves. If we did not have terror in our
unconscious, we would not have any need to be controlling. We would be comfortable
letting others do as they please because we would be secure. And we would be our
spontaneous, sensuous selves. We would relax and let down our guard, be joyful
and playful. Our anxious, neurotic, controlling behaviors are attempts to "bind"
our terror and keep it unconscious. To "feel safe" we try to control events, objects
or people. This creates an illusion of safety. Most of us go through the day with
our well-crafted illusion of safety in place. As long as we are in control, everything
is fine and we "THINK" we are safe. This is why your partner is always busy, instead
of getting in the mood for and entering the vibration of love. If you are
the one who moves away from humans when they come physically close to you, you
may think that you just don't like to be touched. Question that assumption. Perhaps
it is fear or anxiety that is stored in your body and autonomic nervous system.
Perhaps it is even a startle response that goes way back to your infancy or birth.
We need close human contact to flourish and grow; it is one of our basic needs.
Human touch and closeness is as important to us as sunshine is to plants. When
our bodies are not comfortable and relaxed enough to melt with our physical environment,
we are experiencing fear. This is a physical fact. Joseph Kramer, founder of the
Body Electric School sent me this message: "According to James Prescott, a neuro-psychologist,
'deprivation of physical affection in human relationships constitutes the single
greatest source of physical violence in human societies.' In other words, to know
how to pleasure a man's body is to know how to stop violence in today's world."
Wow, Prescott's studies were done in the 60's. Do psychologists use this information?
No. Most of them are afraid to touch you. I would say that all human problems
and symptoms could be eliminated with genuine physical affection. Any little violent
act we might do, like being sarcastic, not listening, not touching, not speaking
in a kind tone, are the result of not feeling loved. When we don't feel loved
we close our energy field and don't allow energy in the form of pleasure to move
in and out of our bodies. This is the reason we need to let our energy flow, so
love and light can move through us. It feels good. Divine energy gives us goosebumps! When
we let our anxiety take over and ruin our day, we are feeding fuel to the problem,
making it worse. When we sit down and calm our nervous system, we are becoming
more secure and increasing the love in the world. So even though psychologists
on television tell you that you have to live with anxiety, you do not. You can
eliminate static energy out of your body and out of your life. You do not have
to be anxious just because everyone else is. But first we need to know
the difference between fear and anxiety. Fear is a normal, healthy response that
alerts us to real dangers that we must respond to immediately. It is a natural
feeling that flows through you. Animals experience fear frequently and this does
not make them neurotic. Anxiety on the other hand is a maladaptive, learned
response that interferes with peak performances. Anxiety is static, stagnant energy.
You can feel its erratic vibration in your nervous system. It is maintained by
controlling thoughts. The way to eliminate anxiety is to face our real fears directly,
instead of denying them or exaggerating them. When we meet our fears equally we
tame them like wild horses. They naturally dissipate as we bring them to consciousness
and allow the truth to be seen. So Vince, you need to face your wife and
ask her to read my October Column and this one. Invite her to be with you, just
breathing and relaxing. Let your new baby lead the way. Notice the baby's breathing
and flowing energy, then emulate it. Tell your wife your fears and share with
her your need for pleasure and love. Listen to her fears and needs. Both of you
need to be loved, emotionally and physically, just like your baby. Sex is one
of the best ways to clam the nervous system. Invite your wife into sharing erotic,
loving touches without expectations. Get to know each other again. We all need
to relax our muscles and allow mother earth's gravity to support us and move through
us. Touch yourself, others and the earth. Love is powerful; we can change the
world. |
