Licensed Philadelphia-based psychologist with a holistic psychology based on learning theory research and health energy flow in the body and emotions  Dr. Jeanette is a licensed psychologist with a holistic psychology based on learning theory research and healthy energy flow in the body and emotions; a Philadelphia psychologist since 1975 when she worked with Joe Wolpe, MD at Temple Medical School.
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Psychology Question on Blame

"I know you are suppose to give up blame but I don't know how to do it. My father was abusive. How can I move on?" Jill S.

Holistic Psychology Answer: How to Give Up Blame

Blame is second nature to us because when we were children the adults in our environment blamed us. Therefore, we learned to blame others.

Naturally, when we grew up, we blamed our parents, ourselves, and others!

As children we were frequently given the message that we were responsible for our mother or father's emotional, mental, and psychological problems. Sometimes we were blamed for everything that happened!

Blame occurs insidiously and is often delivered non-verbally. Without words, a child can sense his mother's depression or father's anxiety. Sometimes a child can feel the resentments and regrets of his parents and erroneously assume he is the cause.

Therefore, you grow up and feel responsible for your parent's problems.

Sometimes parents actually say the words out loud, "It is your fault I lost that hammer" or "It is your fault I am not feeling good today." Even worse...."It is your fault, I am killing myself."

As a child you do not have any power to do anything differently. Therefore, you learn to become helpless.

This unhealthy conditioning stays with you as you grow up. Your body and autonomic nervous system are paralyzed into this helpless, victim role until you unlearn your unhealthy conditioning.

Honestly, I knew I also needed to stop blaming my parents but I didn't know how to do it either.

I remember experiencing a lot of resentment because I was not the one to create my problems.

It was not my fault this was happening. It was not my fault this was true. And of course it was not my fault. In truth, it is no one's fault.

My parent's inadequacies, anxieties, and false beliefs had created many of my problems. My problems being my inadequacies, anxieties, and false beliefs.

My parents were and are responsible for their inadequacies, anxieties, and false beliefs. And they did saturate me with them so much so that the lining of my stomach was affected.

My parents are totally responsible for how they related to me. I was a real victim as a child in terms of learning their inadequacies, anxieties, and false beliefs.

A child cannot escape being affected by all the emotional energy in his or her environment. So this was where I was stuck. And it is where you are probably stuck.

Finally, one day, a light bulb went off in my head. I got it! If I stopped blaming my parents for everything, then I did not have to stay helpless for the rest of my life......WOW!

This was the motivation I needed to take responsibility. It never occurred to me that if I were responsible then I would have the power to do something differently. Aha!

I saw the light, I saw the truth:

I am responsible for my RESPONSE to my parents. Of course my parents were responsible for how and what they had taught me. In addition, I was responsible for my reaction, my behaviors, my feelings, my thoughts.

And glory be, it was no one's fault. It was not my fault and it what not their fault. No fault! Win-win!

When I took responsibility for myself, immediately I had the power to be strong and courageous. I did not have to keep my parents inadequacies, anxieties, and false beliefs alive any longer.

I could let go of my unhealthy learning. My emotional health changed dramatically because I was in charge of myself.

I could do what my parents, society, and authorities had not been able to do--stop finding fault and stop blaming.

Cool.

Giving up blame is hard because you have to be totally responsible for yourself at every level and for everything. You cannot hold anyone or anything else responsible for your experience of life.

Being responsible is truly growing up and standing on your own two feet. Standing on your own two feet is glorious and wonderful. Emotional health is powerful.

When you take responsibility, vital energy starts to flow in your body making you physically stronger.

When you stop expecting someone else to take care of you or do what needs to be done, you have power. Power is energy. You literally have the energy to do what you want and need to do.

By giving up complaining and blaming someone else for not doing something for you, you can get what you want.

It doesn't matter how much of a mess someone else has created. You can clean up the mess in your world so you feel good. Emotional health is worth the effort.

Therefore, when you find yourself blaming the weather, society, mother, men, or the frying pan for what you are experiencing, ask yourself if you want to stay helpless.

If you are helpless and not responsible for yourself then you are a victim. A victim is someone who does not have the power to help himself or herself.

The only true victim is a child. Children do not have the power to get new parents or free themselves from the situation they are in.

However, when you are an adult, the whole world changes. You can do what is necessary to create the life you want. You have the power.

You can move pass your parents and their unhealthy conditioning. You can own your own strength, courage, and ability to live life fully and freely.

The best emotional health advice I can give you is to "Give up blame."

Blame makes you weak and keeps you helpless. Blaming yourself is just as destructive as blaming someone else. The act of giving up blame sets your spirit free!

Learn to stop blaming yourself and get the emotional health comfort and support you need. To help you achieve this no blame, no fault state, use the emotional health guide, "Opening the Heart."  Read more and order your CDs, mp3s or E- book.

Being responsible for the mess you have created is hard medicine to take sometimes, but it is well worth the outcome.

If I am responsible for my own mess, I can clean my mess up. I can make my world beautiful, and have a good time doing it!

Being responsible gives me the power to be myself.

Hope this helps you break free from blame.

Doris Jeanette

Options to help you give up blame:

1.  Learn how to give up blame and claim your power as an adult. Your emotional health is priceless. Order your copy of "Opening the Heart" audio. $97.00.

2. Set up a private consultation with Dr. Jeanette. One session can be enough to get you unstuck and moving forward, $200.00 an hour. Read recommendations here:http://www.drjeanette.com/recommendations.html

Questions? E-mail drjeanette@drjeanette.com    or  Call:  215-732-6197

(C) Copyright Dr. Doris Jeanette, July, 2000, revised, November, 2010

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