Sex & Love

by Dr. Doris Jeanette

"Lesbian Bed Death" is a term used to describe the fact that sexual activity has stopped between two women who were madly and passionately in love with each other once upon a time. As we have mentioned many times in this column when sex stops it is usually for emotional reasons. In other words, we stop having sex to avoid facing our true emotions and feeling our real feelings. We stop sex because to continue to let love in would mean we would have to let go of our controlling ways.

Funny how we are willing to give up this delicious pleasure rather than being willing to open up and let go of our own rigid, stuck energy. Instead, we choose to cling to our dense pieces of ego as if they were actually protecting us from some sort of harm! Which of course they are not. In fact these controlling behaviors are exactly the means by which we block out the love we so desperately crave.

All relationships share common factors and diminishing sex, as intimacy increases, is one of them. But let's take a look at the uniqueness that two women face in their relationships. When two women fall in love, it is not uncommon for a great deal of emotional bonding to occur. Naturally this helps create tender, loving, fantastic sex. But it also adds greatly to the level of intensity and drama. The old joke about Lesbians is more true than untrue. After the first date the two women either never see each other again or they immediately get the pick up truck and start moving in with each other! It's "I'm not interested," or "I am totally in love with you and want you always! Commitment happens fast and furiously.

So when two women come together the holy emotional struggle to surrender completely to love can be accomplished. Two women can become one energy field like no other combination. This ability to move into divine love is sweet, delicious and powerful. It is truly heaven on earth, total fulfillment and satisfaction. The advantage of this is that the individual egos are momentarily destroyed and the two women become one. They enter a state of divine and earthly bliss. They feel like they have arrived where they have always longed to be-at home in the arms of love.

But just as hard as women fall in love, they also fall out of love-hard. As in other relationships, the emotional issues that have not been resolved come up demanding attention. Since there has been such a complete surrender to love, there is an unusual depth of closeness and vulnerability. So when the fear and anxiety kick in, it does so with equal emotional intensity. Because of the vulnerability and dependency that has been allowed, the defensive reactions can be violent rejections, stormy fights and painful demands. Two women can recreate past pains with great vigor. Because of this they can tear each other apart with more flair and trauma than any other partner combination.

But we can clearly see that simply surrendering to love does not get us to nirvana. We are only half way there. What we seek is not found outside of ourselves. Yes, we have tasted the divine love so we know what it is, but the source is not yet inside of us. So when the emotional issues hit the fan, it is inevitable and it is essential. Since we have opened ourselves up to love, it literally brings to light the denser, darker energies that need to be transformed.

As women we have been conditioned to take care of others, think of ourselves as less valuable, and give rather than receive. So when both partners are stuck in these same emotional issues, it creates fireworks. The blame and shame are endless. Each woman is struggling to stop taking care of the other, find her own physical and emotionless strengths and receive love, not just give it. So the "Earth Dramas" unfold.

The task then becomes how to stay open and not zip our hearts back up. We want to become more open and loving, not less. Love has entered our dirty glass of water and it feels great. We desire more of it, not less. We crave a clean pure body of water to live in. We need an open heart because it is beneficial for us. We feel good when we are loving. We are powerful and strong when energy is freely moving in and out of us.

Most of us are aware of the unique problems that same sex relationships have to face in order to succeed. We not only have the garden-variety types of self-hate everyone else has, but we are despised by many people and judged to be perverted and disgusting. We have to deal with our own individual issues of self-rejection as well as society's hateful projections. This pushes us to the wall to either become more self-destructive or grow up and find our strength. We have no choice but to go deeper and find ways to love ourselves in order to survive. Of course this can be very helpful in our spiritual development. Why else would our soul have planed such an adventure?

So may I suggest that when we surrender to love we:

• Honor and bless the love rather than hurt each other more.
• Remember self hate is learned, not innate.
• Be responsible for what we have created and stop projecting.
• Resolve emotional issues with family of origin.
• Protect ourselves from future hurts by falling in love with ourselves.
• Let go of denser energies so more love and light can play through our cells.
• Remember that "Earth Dramas" lead to Soul Development.

So when death is upon your bed, instead of going on to the next person, perhaps you might pause and consider how you could find your strength in this relationship before giving up on it. Perhaps the problem is not outside of you. Perhaps rekindling the passion with this person might take you on a journey that will lead back into the arms of love that your body and soul crave. Why not use the real power of love and light that you possess? You have nothing to lose.

Dr. Jeanette, Director of the Center for the New Psychology, trained as a Sex Therapist in 1976 at the Behavior Therapy Unit at Temple. She has developed her own innovative system. www.drjeanette.com, drjeanette@drjeanette.com, 215-732-6197.